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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Full Circle

I was talking with someone recently about past relationships and the mistakes that were or weren't made in them. Whenever I'm talking about my past, he who still rents space in my head undoubtedly appears. I've already given him way more airtime here than I should, but he was a big part of my life, and my life is why I'm here, isn't it? As I was walking tonight, I realized that in all this time since we broke up (yeah, we're at 11 effing years ago now), I'm feeling like it's finally come full circle for me.

Don't get me wrong, he's still renting space. Most people I ask (and I'm nosy, so I do ask), there is that one person for everyone. That one that broke your heart, the one you let get away, or the one you wish you could have had a do-over with. Realistically, it probably wasn't meant to be. There is usually a set of good reasons why a relationship ends, but we forget them when we miss someone. It's especially hard when you still have contact with that person (which, I do).

I still have strange dreams about him, but they've changed dramatically. Since he left me for someone else, they were angry and sad at first - each dream had him introducing me to the new girl in the coldest way possible. Then they became just kind of sad, where I was forced to spend time with them in some kind of social situation, and yeah... I was always by myself. Now in the last six months, they've changed - sometimes "she" (never the same girl) is there but I'm not angry or sad. I remember the last one I had, noting that I wasn't feeling any animosity. Just acceptance.

I know I can't be the only person who has experienced this. So what happens to us? Do we just go through the seven stages of grief at our own pace (obviously some of us longer than others)? Or is it simple maturity? Or do we just realize life is too short and there are way better things to spend time on? I like to believe it's a combination of all of the above.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about this little epiphany.

7 comments:

Barbara (aka Layla) said...

I think for me, it's a lot like it has been for you, time, time, time. I took me years to get over someone and although I have my moments of wondering if I will ever experience that kind of intense love again - I am no longer hoping that its with him. I am over him.

An80sNut said...

Also remember that there are some people that never let go at all and they become stalkers (and some worse.) I think regrets over relationships failing in the past make you cherish the ones you have in the future. Yes, we all carry baggage but some get tagged as 'heavy' at the gate.

Nik said...

Well, it's good to see that you're making progress with this situation. People respond and deal with situations in different ways. I, personally, will always carry a particular boyfriend in my heart. I used to regret walking away from him (I think part of me always will), but I've grown up so much since him and I've realized that I wasn't me when I was with him. I was who I thought I should be, so I guess I short changed both of us in that respect. There will always be a huge part of me that wonders what if, but I decided to stop beating myself up over it. Life has a funny way of teaching us sometimes.

Otto said...

I suppose you're right about the seven stages thing. What I've learned is the reasons things didn't work--or that one "got away"--is ususally because of some behavior on my part that blew it all to hell. No, I'm not saying it was all my fault, but I can only control my behavior.

I have no less than three that "got away." But the epiphany I had is it's less about the other person and more about a pattern of behavior in me that causes me to chase one who's not buying what I'm selling. So I end up getting close to a flame that'll never burn for me.

Translation: I never should've chased in the first place.

I guess, to that end, I ultimately worked my way through the seven stages to acceptance.

Okay, I've said too much. Time for bed. :-)

LoraLoo said...

Barbara: Good for you, getting over them is really the hardest part.

Marten: Yeah don't I know some don't let go, eh? Very true that failures definitely make you appreciate success.

Nik: I remember you talking about that former boyfriend before. Some what-if's never disappear I suppose, but at least you see it for what it was and grew from it!

Otto: I love getting the male perspective... and I'm pretty impressed how insightful you are about it. Question is, do you still make the same mistake in chasing those you shouldn't have chased in the first place?

ScrapAddictNV said...

I'm actually surprised to find that you talk so freely about this subject. I have 1 who rents space, but I never mention a word about him. Of course I haven't seen him since '98, nor had any contact with him either. Ruben and I do not discuss our pasts with one another anymore because of our insanely jealous streaks. I've often thought about how I can get him out of my head. I am so over him, I know he was the worst for me, yet I find myself thinking about where he is, if he's still a psycho drunk, or what would have happened to me if I hadn't broken up with him when I did. It's weird to me that I ended it, yet can't get him out of my head. I'm glad to read that I'm not the only one like this. I've been well past acceptance. Ending it was the best thing for my life, as he was the one who held a loaded gun to my head and threatened to kill me, he's the one who had his psycho g/f cut my breaks and key my truck end to end. I just wish I could get him out of my head! Since chemo I can't remember half my life, but this scum is still there and I don't know why. I still swear he brainwashed me to begin with and that's why I let him get away with so much. Maybe I need brainwasshing again to forget him....lol.

Vegas Princess said...

I have one of these and still find myself thinking about him from time to time. But as the years go by and I am so happy in my life as it is now I don;t think about him as often. The true test came when a certain song come one that always brought back painful memories of him before I managed to get three-quarters of the way through before he flashed in my mind. That's progress.